The struggle behind being liked: Why leaders should test their boundaries

Imagine you overhear a conversation about yourself where someone describes you as “nice” or “agreeable” or “likable.” How would you feel? Would you be pleased? Maybe feel a bit warm inside? It’s not the worst thing in the world, right? Being referred to as likable is a good thing. Most of the time, being nice and being likable works. That is, until it doesn’t.

I did 12 years in local government that included two terms on council and two terms as mayor. Beginning my tenure as mayor, I knew that one of my personal challenges would be to confront both my need to be liked juxtaposed with my desire to be a strong, competent leader. Early in my first term, I often heard things like: “I like her. She’s a nice lady, but can she do the job?” I was highly aware of those sentiments, but I wanted to lead with an open heart. I wanted people to feel heard, to feel seen, and to feel understood, even if I couldn’t help them (which was often the case). I didn’t want anyone to feel dismissed, even if I didn’t like them (which was seldom the case). I wanted to be responsive, rather than reactive, to be measured, instead of being defensive. My natural style of leadership is to work collaboratively and to affiliate with others. I like it when people get along and work together. I wanted to be one of those politicians that helped to restore the public’s belief in democracy and faith in the political process. Truth be told, I like being liked.

Overall, I was proud of how I conducted myself as a leader. But when I look back over my time in politics, I am also proud of the times I stepped out of my natural style of leading and I wasn’t so nice, the times when I was willing to risk being popular to do what was right. It was those times that I would discover where my edges were, what I would or wouldn’t tolerate. The truth is, we often discover our boundaries when we bump up against them. We gain clarity through contrast. Having my boundaries challenged taught me where they were and why they mattered.

Although I had many unintentional coaches on my journey to discovering what my edges were, one story in particular stands out.

I had a business owner who regularly came into the town office. With a modicum of influence in the community, he was highly aware of his personal sway. He was often very condescending to myself and to my staff, informing us what we were doing wrong and what we could be doing better. Full disclosure: I didn’t like him, and it was because I didn’t like him that I resisted the temptation to dismiss what he had to say. After he would leave, I would research his issues and viewpoints. Often, I found him to be misinformed, but periodically there would be some gems in his perspective. I was always respectful – even when he was not.

One day, he was in my office, yet again complaining about how a decision I made had impacted him negatively. He informed me that my way of thinking was shortsighted and foolish. When I asked for clarification, I discovered that this decision he was referring to was made by another order of government that I had nothing to do with. I stood up, pointed to the door, and said: “Get the hell out of my office, you do not come in here and tell me how I think – you ask me what I think. This office has repeatedly tolerated your rude, condescending, and disrespectful behaviour, and now we are done.”  Shocked and wide-eyed, he began apologizing profusely. I said to him, “Do you see the irony in this? You have been bullying the staff and myself for years and it took me treating you the way you’ve treated others for you to finally back off.”

It was this and many similar experiences that lead me into the career that I have today.

It’s important for politicians to cultivate conscious leadership; to develop their leadership muscles; to have the courage to say “No”; and to choose the right thing over the popular thing. It’s important for them to lead with an open heart, and yet, to also know where their edges are, because if you’re going to lead, the price of admission is the willingness to be disliked. It’s important for them to interrogate reality, make difficult decisions, and communicate those difficult decisions. To not be nice when it’s necessary. To be willing to sacrifice being liked for being real. Sometimes, it can get very uncomfortable.

Too often, leaders are unwilling to take unpopular steps for fear of losing popularity. They are so sensitive to public scrutiny that they are overly responsive to criticism. When the anxiety of disappointing others takes precedent over implementing a long-term vision, leaders can become hesitant to make decisions and can eventually become immobilized.

So, my invitation to you is this: don’t try to be unlikeable. It is okay to be liked and to want to be liked, but be likeable and know your edges, be willing to be disliked, and maintain your dignity. Because, we teach people how to treat us, so how do we want to be treated?  MW

Christina Benty, M.A., is a former mayor who uses her superpower to turn any conversation into one about asset management. She is the owner of Strategic Leadership Solutions, a consulting firm whose mission is to inspire and activate excellence in local government through leadership development, governance training, and asset management advocacy. Her TED Talk on Leadership is available at www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmDN0PLHZHk.